Note: The Caption Contest is still going on…I am in the process of increasing the allowance of securing the judges.
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![\"holding_hands\"](\"http://distractible.org/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/holding-hands.jpg\" "\\"holding_hands\\"")
It’s a hard world for kids; they come into the world completely helpless to parents who don’t know much about how to raise them. Some parents have a better idea than others, but as a parent of four children I can say that the mystery far outweighs the understood. As a parent you are in constant fear that somehow what you are doing is going to cause some unexpected harm for you children down the road. I have no doubt that many of the things I have done will cause such harm.
But as many know, the world is far harder for some kids than the rest. These kids don’t simply have frail and fallible parents, they have parents who don’t care or are even emotionally antagonistic toward them. Perhaps these parents had similar examples when they were kids – I can’t compare my relatively good childhood experience to theirs – but regardless of the reason, many parents’ attitudes cause significant harm. I see it regularly.
Since my job is to maximize the overall health of children, I see somehow helping this situation as of high priority. But how do you communicate this? How do you get people to see that they are harming their child with their attitude? How do you avoid coming across as judgmental or patronizing? My goal is not to preach a sermon and feel better myself, but to actually affect change.
![\"Treasure\"](\"http://distractible.org/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/treasure.jpg\" "\\"Treasure\\"")
My current approach to this problem is simple: I say nice things. From the very start of a child’s life I do whatever I can to get the parents thinking as highly of the child as possible. Whenever they come in for a visit I comment on how cute, advanced, or smart the child is. I use words like “perfect,” “wonderful,” and “beautiful.” I want the parents to know what a great gift they have as a child – and perhaps that feeling of pride they get will cause them to pay more positive attention. You take better care of treasure than trash, and part of my job is to convince parents that they have a treasure. I believe they all do.
This does not stop when kids get older. Much of a child’s success depends on what the child thinks about him/herself. A sense of helplessness, hopelessness, or predictable failure will cause them to seek comfort in drugs, sex, or overachievement; or worse, it will cause them to be full of bitterness and anger toward the world. It is my job to be a positive voice in their life. I do what I can to emphasize their success, using words like “smart,” “successful,” and “terrific.” I want the child to believe that they are valuable in who they are – not in what they need to become.
Now, I don’t buy into the modern mantra of “you can accomplish anything you want as long as you believe in it.” That is simply not true. I could have never been a professional baseball player (too klutzy), or a neurosurgeon (too distractible). That type of mindset sets kids up for shame – a lack of success in what they do will simply be evidence that they didn’t try hard or believe enough. You are who you are – with unique strengths and weaknesses. I think it is the job of us adults to encourage children to be themselves and embrace who they are.
Belief in yourself should focus more on yourself, and less on belief. It is not the strength of the belief, but the object of it. Believe in who you are and not who you would be better off being. I think one of the keys to both happiness and success is to like the person who wears your skin. Self-contempt does not push people toward improving themselves, it stifles ambition. Self-belief – the realization that you as a person have value as you are – is, in my opinion, the best predictor of a truly successful and happy person.
I can’t change the world; but it is nice to be able to put in a few good words and perhaps make a parent believe in a child, and a child believe that they are truly worth having in this world.
I bet kids never try to avoid going to the doctor if they’re going to be seeing you! I hope your words are taken to heart by the kids and parents.
I bet kids never try to avoid going to the doctor if they’re going to be seeing you! I hope your words are taken to heart by the kids and parents.
This was a great post Dr Rob!Even when I am disciplining my kids, I try to emphasise their good points.
This was a great post Dr Rob!Even when I am disciplining my kids, I try to emphasise their good points.
I dont think the problem is kids are getting too little encouragement and praise, quite the opposite. Kids aren’t stupid, they realize that participation trophy everyone in Little League gets just for showing up is worthless, sort of like that Kindergarten Diploma. Best Teacher I ever had was 7th grade Math who told me I was a lazy dumbass, Cruel? perhaps, but he was right.
I dont think the problem is kids are getting too little encouragement and praise, quite the opposite. Kids aren’t stupid, they realize that participation trophy everyone in Little League gets just for showing up is worthless, sort of like that Kindergarten Diploma. Best Teacher I ever had was 7th grade Math who told me I was a lazy dumbass, Cruel? perhaps, but he was right.
You miss the point, Frank. My words are far more directed at the parents. Parents who ignore or berate their kids do lots of harm. They are less likely to do so if they appreciate the value of the kid. In short, a good upbringing beats a bad one. Your teacher was good for you because they felt you were worth the time. Many parents are too busy with their portfolio or fantasy league to pay much attention. My job is to elevate the kid in the eyes of the parent.
You miss the point, Frank. My words are far more directed at the parents. Parents who ignore or berate their kids do lots of harm. They are less likely to do so if they appreciate the value of the kid. In short, a good upbringing beats a bad one. Your teacher was good for you because they felt you were worth the time. Many parents are too busy with their portfolio or fantasy league to pay much attention. My job is to elevate the kid in the eyes of the parent.
This is a brilliant post. <- Those words don’t quite reflect the praise I’d like to convey (with regards to the approach or the attitude), but I didn’t want to sound too sycophantic! Perhaps I just identified with this quite heavily today, but that said, it doesn’t detract from the writing. Well said.Lola
This is a brilliant post. <- Those words don’t quite reflect the praise I’d like to convey (with regards to the approach or the attitude), but I didn’t want to sound too sycophantic! Perhaps I just identified with this quite heavily today, but that said, it doesn’t detract from the writing. Well said.Lola
I spent a long time feeling guilty that I wasn’t a ‘good enough’ parent. Thankfully someone told me that I only have to be a ‘good enough’ parent!! My kids are stunning individuals, which means they’re individuals and not clones of me, and that also means they’ll decide for themselves what they will and won’t do and it’s not a reflection on me! It’s great that you model positive interactions with kids to the parents of the kids you see – would that more teachers, grandparents, caregivers in creches and so on would learn that too.
I spent a long time feeling guilty that I wasn’t a ‘good enough’ parent. Thankfully someone told me that I only have to be a ‘good enough’ parent!! My kids are stunning individuals, which means they’re individuals and not clones of me, and that also means they’ll decide for themselves what they will and won’t do and it’s not a reflection on me! It’s great that you model positive interactions with kids to the parents of the kids you see – would that more teachers, grandparents, caregivers in creches and so on would learn that too.
Brilliantly written post and a commendable thing to strive towards!! I have realized something only in later years (of being on the “child” end not the “parent” end…yet) that there can be danger in overanxious parents. Some parents fear so much that their children will be disappointed (in themselves, whatever) that they push really hard to make sure everything is done on time, grades are good, all activities are optimized.
These are usually the most well-meaning, loving parents out there. I held onto a lot of bitterness and anger for a long time, feeling as though that pushing was a way of saying I wasn’t good enough as I was. Maybe a couple of years ago, I had a revelation. They didn’t push because they felt I was inadequate, but rather they pushed because they feared that if I wasn’t “the best” at what I was doing, I would be disappointed in myself for not trying hard enough. It’s hard to explain – but I’ve been able to realize over the years that they truly did (and still do) have my best interests at heart.
It is really really tough being a parent – living with the constant fear and guilt that you are perpetually causing harm or danger. I think an important thing to pick up on (as important as the neglectful or unappreciative parents) is the overanxious parent, depending on what direction that is taking the child’s upbringing.
My brother and I turned out fine. We truly had wonderful childhoods. I am very VERY close to my parents, and I am so grateful for how they raised us. But some of my own deep feelings of unhappiness and self-dislike come from that feeling of being pushed to be constantly productive and “the best” at everything. That I have to change to be liked by others, not that I should just not pay mind to those who don’t like me for who I am. You caught it there by putting “overachievement” with drugs and sex. But it was never a lack of faith in me or a lack of total and complete love.
It was always out of love that they acted, and out of fear for my unhappiness and disappointment in myself. How you teach someone not to worry so much about those things, I have no idea. Parents like this are very well-meaning in many ways. I guess it’s only by looking at the amount of stress, pressure, and the health effects of these things in the “child” that you can truly see it sometimes. Our family doctor used to comment on it frequently, that I was under too much stress for such a young age, but I didn’t know any better. I only knew one way of living, and that was to push everything to the absolute max.
Beautifully written post!
Brilliantly written post and a commendable thing to strive towards!! I have realized something only in later years (of being on the “child” end not the “parent” end…yet) that there can be danger in overanxious parents. Some parents fear so much that their children will be disappointed (in themselves, whatever) that they push really hard to make sure everything is done on time, grades are good, all activities are optimized.
These are usually the most well-meaning, loving parents out there. I held onto a lot of bitterness and anger for a long time, feeling as though that pushing was a way of saying I wasn’t good enough as I was. Maybe a couple of years ago, I had a revelation. They didn’t push because they felt I was inadequate, but rather they pushed because they feared that if I wasn’t “the best” at what I was doing, I would be disappointed in myself for not trying hard enough. It’s hard to explain – but I’ve been able to realize over the years that they truly did (and still do) have my best interests at heart.
It is really really tough being a parent – living with the constant fear and guilt that you are perpetually causing harm or danger. I think an important thing to pick up on (as important as the neglectful or unappreciative parents) is the overanxious parent, depending on what direction that is taking the child’s upbringing.
My brother and I turned out fine. We truly had wonderful childhoods. I am very VERY close to my parents, and I am so grateful for how they raised us. But some of my own deep feelings of unhappiness and self-dislike come from that feeling of being pushed to be constantly productive and “the best” at everything. That I have to change to be liked by others, not that I should just not pay mind to those who don’t like me for who I am. You caught it there by putting “overachievement” with drugs and sex. But it was never a lack of faith in me or a lack of total and complete love.
It was always out of love that they acted, and out of fear for my unhappiness and disappointment in myself. How you teach someone not to worry so much about those things, I have no idea. Parents like this are very well-meaning in many ways. I guess it’s only by looking at the amount of stress, pressure, and the health effects of these things in the “child” that you can truly see it sometimes. Our family doctor used to comment on it frequently, that I was under too much stress for such a young age, but I didn’t know any better. I only knew one way of living, and that was to push everything to the absolute max.
Beautifully written post!
good post & great website, Dr. Rob -i’m honored to have bumped into your blog!
good post & great website, Dr. Rob -i’m honored to have bumped into your blog!
Just as children know those trophies are bogus, they also know when they are truly loved. The best thing you can do is just love them as you try to prepare them for the world. Mistakes will always be made; parents are human, but your children will understand that as they grow. What they will carry with them is the fact that they were loved. They will know mom/dad loved them. That makes them feel worthy. I feel for the children that have to learn they are still worthy, despite parents that brought them into the world -when they didn’t want the job.
Great post, Rob.
Just as children know those trophies are bogus, they also know when they are truly loved. The best thing you can do is just love them as you try to prepare them for the world. Mistakes will always be made; parents are human, but your children will understand that as they grow. What they will carry with them is the fact that they were loved. They will know mom/dad loved them. That makes them feel worthy. I feel for the children that have to learn they are still worthy, despite parents that brought them into the world -when they didn’t want the job.
Great post, Rob.