Putting Cash into the Kitty

We have a cat.
\"hello-kitty-dollar\"

It took a while for us to get one. We really have been dog people (remember our dog Holly who can sense baloney from drug companies?), but we finally gave into the begging of our youngest daughter. Kittens are cute, but they turn into cats. We actually got two but one of them…well, you know the expression about curiosity? He got into a fight with a bigger animal. Not good. That was a year ago and we have recovered (after many sobs and a little therapy).

Our cat is a load. He likes to wake us up at 5 AM to have us feed him. He likes us to feed him pretty much all of the time. I try to lock him outside, but then he goes and bugs my daughter enough that she lets him back in so she can sleep. I think he is pretty sure that our purpose is to keep him fed. If we don\’t fulfill this purpose, he gets mad. If he gets mad, he pees on our bed.

\"Zander\"So between getting a second mortgage to keep the bowl full and finding some trick to get the comforter to stop smelling like cat pee, it has been a hard relationship. My wife is allergic. I am annoyed. The kids still get a kick out of him though, so I can live with it. What power those kids have. I would have FedExed him to Mongolia if it weren\’t for them.

This past weekend, we noticed that the cat wasn\’t eating anything, wasn\’t grooming himself, and had this slimy stuff coming out of his mouth. Further inspection revealed a large ulcer on his tongue. While I relished the thought of him not being able to eat us into a third mortgage and not having fluids to fill his secret weapon, the kids were upset. Since I am no expert on cat tongue diseases and since he really did look like he may not make it through the weekend without being fed, I threw him in the car (no, not literally) and drove to the vet.

Two hours waiting in an exam room (serves me right) on Easter Sunday and $900 later, we have a fixed cat. I hesitated at that much money for a cat that pees on the bed, but I love my kids, so I put down the MasterCard. They don\’t know what caused the ulcer, but he is on several antibiotics, Carafate, and an NSAID. I guess they didn\’t read my antibiotic handout.

So now we have to get the cat to take the medicine. Not fun. While I was searching on the web for tips on how to give pills to cats, I ran across the following instructions. I don\’t know who made it first – it is all over the web, though. So if you have read it, bear with me – it is really worth it.

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat\’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As the cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and vigorously rub cat\’s throat.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8 Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse\’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor\’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin\’ cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13) Tie the little @#!*#^~!\’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty Pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

DOG: Wrap pill in bacon, cheese or peanut butter. Make him beg.

By the way, the picture at the top is from Hello Kitty Hell, a nice new site I found.

I hope I have no more tales to tell about this cat. I hope he is so grateful for my sacrifices that he goes on a diet and does Kegal exercises. Perhaps he has reformed.

I doubt it. I think he saw me put that stuff in his food….

28 thoughts on “Putting Cash into the Kitty”

  1. we’ll see if I got spam protection right or not when I hit post, I never do the first time you know.
    My husband was not only not a cat person, but anti cat when he married me. I introduced cats slowly to him … a stray adopted us. Tykit (so named by our oldest son at the age of 18 months…kitty ..somehow he heard kitty kitty kitty and got the syllables all jumbled and it became Tykit) then Dexter adopted us … and they both found their way back to their real homes.

    Then I decided I wanted MY own cats …and told my husband he had no choice. 😀
    He surrendered …as long as he got to name them …because I’d named our Dog Cinnamon (my family tradition to use spice names) and he didn’t want the cats encumbered with such a burden.

    So ..he named them Sugarfoot and Donut.

    HUH??? (how does Sugar not qualify as part of the spice family???)

    Anyway …he fell in love with cats, Donut gave birth to Twitch … and then we wound up loosing Donut.

    And he SWEARS he only loves Sugarfoot and Twitch …. yeah, right. Sure ….he was always a cat person and just didn’t know it!

  2. we’ll see if I got spam protection right or not when I hit post, I never do the first time you know.
    My husband was not only not a cat person, but anti cat when he married me. I introduced cats slowly to him … a stray adopted us. Tykit (so named by our oldest son at the age of 18 months…kitty ..somehow he heard kitty kitty kitty and got the syllables all jumbled and it became Tykit) then Dexter adopted us … and they both found their way back to their real homes.

    Then I decided I wanted MY own cats …and told my husband he had no choice. 😀
    He surrendered …as long as he got to name them …because I’d named our Dog Cinnamon (my family tradition to use spice names) and he didn’t want the cats encumbered with such a burden.

    So ..he named them Sugarfoot and Donut.

    HUH??? (how does Sugar not qualify as part of the spice family???)

    Anyway …he fell in love with cats, Donut gave birth to Twitch … and then we wound up loosing Donut.

    And he SWEARS he only loves Sugarfoot and Twitch …. yeah, right. Sure ….he was always a cat person and just didn’t know it!

  3. OMG! That was the funniest thing I’ve read in a while. Thank you! As owner of 12 I’m always having to give medicine to one of them. I’m so immune to it. if i have a particularly cantankerous one I get my son to wrap them up in a towel tightly and hold them and I come behind them and force open their jaws and push it way in and quickly shut their mouth and hold it until i see them swallow. This does not necessarily mean they did but it makes me feel better. I have so many now I go to the animal health products store and get their shots, their antibiotics and flea meds there. It is considerably cheaper…oh but I have paid $900 for one animal before, many times 🙂 also if pills are too difficult ask the vet if it comes in a liquid, sometimes they will take that easier. I just keep amoxicillin and penicillin on hand now…there’s always one or two with an injury since they stay outside all day and sometimes most of the night. Hope he gets to feeling better and calms down so you can. oh, about the pee smell…vinegar. wash your clothes in it, spray anywhere they have done their business. it smells like vinegar until it dries but then the smell is gone. I keep vinegar in a 2 gal garden sprayer 🙂 just in case 🙂 this is probably more than you ever wanted to know about me 🙂 have a good one!

  4. OMG! That was the funniest thing I’ve read in a while. Thank you! As owner of 12 I’m always having to give medicine to one of them. I’m so immune to it. if i have a particularly cantankerous one I get my son to wrap them up in a towel tightly and hold them and I come behind them and force open their jaws and push it way in and quickly shut their mouth and hold it until i see them swallow. This does not necessarily mean they did but it makes me feel better. I have so many now I go to the animal health products store and get their shots, their antibiotics and flea meds there. It is considerably cheaper…oh but I have paid $900 for one animal before, many times 🙂 also if pills are too difficult ask the vet if it comes in a liquid, sometimes they will take that easier. I just keep amoxicillin and penicillin on hand now…there’s always one or two with an injury since they stay outside all day and sometimes most of the night. Hope he gets to feeling better and calms down so you can. oh, about the pee smell…vinegar. wash your clothes in it, spray anywhere they have done their business. it smells like vinegar until it dries but then the smell is gone. I keep vinegar in a 2 gal garden sprayer 🙂 just in case 🙂 this is probably more than you ever wanted to know about me 🙂 have a good one!

  5. Rob, that is funny. Fortunately my dogs have always taken their pills easily, often even without being wrapped in bacon, etc. But you know, it’s the “things we do for love”… Take care.

  6. Rob, that is funny. Fortunately my dogs have always taken their pills easily, often even without being wrapped in bacon, etc. But you know, it’s the “things we do for love”… Take care.

  7. I know about the eating thing. You want to sleep past 6 AM but you CAN’T because the cat will torture you until you get up and open that can of food. Our cat has never peed in house so I won’t complain. She does, however, hunt up a storm and constantly brings in lizzards, mice and whatever she can catch. Yikes! Hang in there. When they get old they are affectionate and lovely.

  8. I know about the eating thing. You want to sleep past 6 AM but you CAN’T because the cat will torture you until you get up and open that can of food. Our cat has never peed in house so I won’t complain. She does, however, hunt up a storm and constantly brings in lizzards, mice and whatever she can catch. Yikes! Hang in there. When they get old they are affectionate and lovely.

  9. That is so what it’s like! I had a good laugh reading and remembering. I had an easier time giving meds to my Doberman, than the tiny cat I used to have.

  10. That is so what it’s like! I had a good laugh reading and remembering. I had an easier time giving meds to my Doberman, than the tiny cat I used to have.

  11. Hilarious excerpt, Rob. May I gingerly submit to you that you might have adopted the wrong breed of cat? I’m a dog person myself (grew up with golden retrievers – bless their happy, vacuous little brains) but have come upon a breed of cat that is quite dog-like: Abyssinians. My cat greets me at the door, plays fetch and hide-and-go seek… she never wakes me up for feeding, but will eat ANYTHING (asparagus, strawberries, tomato juice, brownies, Pringles… you name it. Pretty much anything but citrus fruits.) She looks feral (like a miniature bob cat) and stays trim. She’s a whole lot of fun… so when the kids tire of the ulcerated, screaming monster pawing at their door at 5am qd – you might consider a quick switch to an Aby. My 2 cents. 😉

  12. Hilarious excerpt, Rob. May I gingerly submit to you that you might have adopted the wrong breed of cat? I’m a dog person myself (grew up with golden retrievers – bless their happy, vacuous little brains) but have come upon a breed of cat that is quite dog-like: Abyssinians. My cat greets me at the door, plays fetch and hide-and-go seek… she never wakes me up for feeding, but will eat ANYTHING (asparagus, strawberries, tomato juice, brownies, Pringles… you name it. Pretty much anything but citrus fruits.) She looks feral (like a miniature bob cat) and stays trim. She’s a whole lot of fun… so when the kids tire of the ulcerated, screaming monster pawing at their door at 5am qd – you might consider a quick switch to an Aby. My 2 cents. 😉

  13. ‘Nother kind of cat story. Our old boy is a nighttime hunter, or was. His nighttime ventures slowed way down when a FOX started escorting him/chasing him home at 2 a.m. or thereabouts. We waked to what sounded like a woman screaming as if being assaulted, or tortured or murdered. Shrill screams, as if in agony. We ran to the door and looked up the street and the fox was trotting behind the cat. The cat walked up the walkway. The fox stayed in the middle of the street, watching till we let the cat into the house, and then turned and retreated. This has happened 3 times over the years. We didn’t believe our eyes and ears the first time it happened, but we are now believers.Chris and Vic

  14. ‘Nother kind of cat story. Our old boy is a nighttime hunter, or was. His nighttime ventures slowed way down when a FOX started escorting him/chasing him home at 2 a.m. or thereabouts. We waked to what sounded like a woman screaming as if being assaulted, or tortured or murdered. Shrill screams, as if in agony. We ran to the door and looked up the street and the fox was trotting behind the cat. The cat walked up the walkway. The fox stayed in the middle of the street, watching till we let the cat into the house, and then turned and retreated. This has happened 3 times over the years. We didn’t believe our eyes and ears the first time it happened, but we are now believers.Chris and Vic

  15. Very funny. But where the instructions when wrong was at the very beginning. Cradle cat in crook of left arm – and use left hand to hold cat’s head covering his eyes. Still with left hand, specifically thumb and index finger, pry open cat’s jaw. With pill on tip of right index finger, shove pill as far back in the cat’s mouth/throat as possible. Close cat’s jaw and hold until cat swallows. As far as the rest of the cat’s body, you’re on your own – wrap it up, have someone else hold all four legs, etc. But hopefully you’re surviving all of the frantic craws and scratches with ALWAYS accompany the medicating of a cat.

  16. Very funny. But where the instructions when wrong was at the very beginning. Cradle cat in crook of left arm – and use left hand to hold cat’s head covering his eyes. Still with left hand, specifically thumb and index finger, pry open cat’s jaw. With pill on tip of right index finger, shove pill as far back in the cat’s mouth/throat as possible. Close cat’s jaw and hold until cat swallows. As far as the rest of the cat’s body, you’re on your own – wrap it up, have someone else hold all four legs, etc. But hopefully you’re surviving all of the frantic craws and scratches with ALWAYS accompany the medicating of a cat.

  17. Hi Rob- It warms my heart to know your cat pees on your comforter, but I’ll come back to that.
    I never saw that funny piece before but it’s so true!

    I have a love/hate relationship with our current cat-Sneakers. I have mentioned this over at Scalpel’s. He is THE most destructive cat we have ever had and he has ME trained! I resent him for it too!

    “FedExed him to Mongolia” Think we’d get a discount for group rates? what a tempting thought.

    OK, I am sorry that I am deriving some kind of misery loves company pleasure because your cat pees on your comforter. Our cat pees on the bathroom mats! All the time when he can’t go outside!

    He ALWAYS used his cat box when he was an indoor cat but ignorance is bliss I guess. We tried to keep him as an indoor cat but he got out so many times that we just gave up.

    There isn’t a spec of anything in the cat box other then virgin cat litter because ever since he had the pleasure of the great outdoor kitty box he refuses to go back to his indoor box. He opts for the bath mats which I am constantly having to wash. It is worse in the winter because he doesn’t like going out in the cold. So it has backfired on him a little because I throw… Um… put him outside anyway so I can have a break. Do they have cat foley caths? Think that would be hard to do and give him a little mini bag with a strap on his leg? Serve him right. 😉

    So I put up with the bath mats because he could bring me to my knees in desperation if he ever decided to take a whiz on our living room carpet. It is a wool floral and cannot be steam cleaned. Shhh…he doesn’t know how much I love that rug.

    I caught him recently going on the hall rug because the door was shut to the bathroom. I can not have this. Seriously. I tolerate the bath mats because I can pick them up and wash them but can’t otherwise. Speak of the devil he wants to come in now.

    BTW…he is like Spider Cat because where most cats just meow at the door…he INSTANTLY leaps on any given screen that he decides he would like entrance through. He does the spider Cat walk up the sliding door screen (100.00 to replace), he instantly jumps on the front door screens. One leap and he hangs there until you let him in. There are holes again. He started doing it with the new windows/screens we had put in. He also scratches furniture, the new window sills with the new windows and tears up our family room rug which is fairly new.

    Suffice it to know that cat #4 is the poster cat for me never wanting to own another cat as long as I live. And I say it to my family all the time. The other three were so easy by comparison, except for having to give cat #3 his medicine.

    He did redeem himself somewhat the other night because he caught a mouse.

    Oh and I really do love him…he does cute things and he’s beautiful and then he puts another wedge in because of his bad behavior. He’s got me totally paranoid about cat urine odors but I’m trained to check mats and wash immediately. Hot soapy machine water works every time. He’s gonna drive me to therapy! 😉

    One last thing. Our 1st cat was so pampered and he was my baby until we had our first son who then took center stage with us. i also was nervous as a new mom and thought every time I touched the cat that I had to wash my hands before touching our new son. So I often ended up gently nudging him away with my elbow.

    Well one night while I was cooking dinner, I turned around just in time to see our cat jump into the empty car seat that was sitting on the table. He sat in it and stared at me and i immediately knew something was wrong. Yup! He PEED in the baby’s car seat!

    He knew exactly what he was doing and i guess he let me know what he thought of our newest family member and apparently his rival. i was upset with him but also realized I had hurt him by neglecting him and I felt bad about that.

    I was also astounded at his thought processes.

    I am sorry this is so long and I actually took the rest of it an turned it into a post. I hope you don’t mind but I was inspired by this post and i linked to you again.

    Kegaling CAT! Hilarious! 🙂

  18. Hi Rob- It warms my heart to know your cat pees on your comforter, but I’ll come back to that.
    I never saw that funny piece before but it’s so true!

    I have a love/hate relationship with our current cat-Sneakers. I have mentioned this over at Scalpel’s. He is THE most destructive cat we have ever had and he has ME trained! I resent him for it too!

    “FedExed him to Mongolia” Think we’d get a discount for group rates? what a tempting thought.

    OK, I am sorry that I am deriving some kind of misery loves company pleasure because your cat pees on your comforter. Our cat pees on the bathroom mats! All the time when he can’t go outside!

    He ALWAYS used his cat box when he was an indoor cat but ignorance is bliss I guess. We tried to keep him as an indoor cat but he got out so many times that we just gave up.

    There isn’t a spec of anything in the cat box other then virgin cat litter because ever since he had the pleasure of the great outdoor kitty box he refuses to go back to his indoor box. He opts for the bath mats which I am constantly having to wash. It is worse in the winter because he doesn’t like going out in the cold. So it has backfired on him a little because I throw… Um… put him outside anyway so I can have a break. Do they have cat foley caths? Think that would be hard to do and give him a little mini bag with a strap on his leg? Serve him right. 😉

    So I put up with the bath mats because he could bring me to my knees in desperation if he ever decided to take a whiz on our living room carpet. It is a wool floral and cannot be steam cleaned. Shhh…he doesn’t know how much I love that rug.

    I caught him recently going on the hall rug because the door was shut to the bathroom. I can not have this. Seriously. I tolerate the bath mats because I can pick them up and wash them but can’t otherwise. Speak of the devil he wants to come in now.

    BTW…he is like Spider Cat because where most cats just meow at the door…he INSTANTLY leaps on any given screen that he decides he would like entrance through. He does the spider Cat walk up the sliding door screen (100.00 to replace), he instantly jumps on the front door screens. One leap and he hangs there until you let him in. There are holes again. He started doing it with the new windows/screens we had put in. He also scratches furniture, the new window sills with the new windows and tears up our family room rug which is fairly new.

    Suffice it to know that cat #4 is the poster cat for me never wanting to own another cat as long as I live. And I say it to my family all the time. The other three were so easy by comparison, except for having to give cat #3 his medicine.

    He did redeem himself somewhat the other night because he caught a mouse.

    Oh and I really do love him…he does cute things and he’s beautiful and then he puts another wedge in because of his bad behavior. He’s got me totally paranoid about cat urine odors but I’m trained to check mats and wash immediately. Hot soapy machine water works every time. He’s gonna drive me to therapy! 😉

    One last thing. Our 1st cat was so pampered and he was my baby until we had our first son who then took center stage with us. i also was nervous as a new mom and thought every time I touched the cat that I had to wash my hands before touching our new son. So I often ended up gently nudging him away with my elbow.

    Well one night while I was cooking dinner, I turned around just in time to see our cat jump into the empty car seat that was sitting on the table. He sat in it and stared at me and i immediately knew something was wrong. Yup! He PEED in the baby’s car seat!

    He knew exactly what he was doing and i guess he let me know what he thought of our newest family member and apparently his rival. i was upset with him but also realized I had hurt him by neglecting him and I felt bad about that.

    I was also astounded at his thought processes.

    I am sorry this is so long and I actually took the rest of it an turned it into a post. I hope you don’t mind but I was inspired by this post and i linked to you again.

    Kegaling CAT! Hilarious! 🙂

  19. medstudentwife

    groan.. this post brings back memories about having to give a pet rabbit, I had, antibiotics. Substitute rabbit for cat and it reads the same.
    I still have faint scars on my wrists. In fact, it was so bad at the time, a doc (he had never treated me before) I visited for a suspected chest infection saw the scratches and intimated that perhaps I was “cutting”myself.

  20. medstudentwife

    groan.. this post brings back memories about having to give a pet rabbit, I had, antibiotics. Substitute rabbit for cat and it reads the same.
    I still have faint scars on my wrists. In fact, it was so bad at the time, a doc (he had never treated me before) I visited for a suspected chest infection saw the scratches and intimated that perhaps I was “cutting”myself.

  21. Two things:
    First is to firmly grasp the cat by the scruff of the neck with the non-dominant hand and use the thumb and index or third finger to put tension and even pressure just behind the jaw. Most cats will eventually open the mouth or at least relax the jaw so that you can insert a dropper or pill gun (see next point) into the buccal pouch.

    Dropper, syringe or pill gun – insert as far as possible into the buccal pouch and whn meeting resistance posteriorly, slide medially and posteriorly, injecting quickly. Cats do great gagging, so keep firmly scruffed and tilt head back to encourage swallowing. Blowing on the nose sometimes encourages swallowing. (But do the obvious and have cat’s limbs secured in toweling or in a soft sided travel carrier with just the head exposed.

    Pill gun – video from Cornell (which is THE ultimate feline veterinary care resource site) is at the link at my name

  22. Two things:
    First is to firmly grasp the cat by the scruff of the neck with the non-dominant hand and use the thumb and index or third finger to put tension and even pressure just behind the jaw. Most cats will eventually open the mouth or at least relax the jaw so that you can insert a dropper or pill gun (see next point) into the buccal pouch.

    Dropper, syringe or pill gun – insert as far as possible into the buccal pouch and whn meeting resistance posteriorly, slide medially and posteriorly, injecting quickly. Cats do great gagging, so keep firmly scruffed and tilt head back to encourage swallowing. Blowing on the nose sometimes encourages swallowing. (But do the obvious and have cat’s limbs secured in toweling or in a soft sided travel carrier with just the head exposed.

    Pill gun – video from Cornell (which is THE ultimate feline veterinary care resource site) is at the link at my name

  23. You might try clam juice and a v. small syringe…. crush the pills, mix ’em with a little clam juice, and shoot into the cat’s mouth. We’ve done this successfully with our medicine-hating cats.

  24. You might try clam juice and a v. small syringe…. crush the pills, mix ’em with a little clam juice, and shoot into the cat’s mouth. We’ve done this successfully with our medicine-hating cats.

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