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It is bad enough to be a parent trying to get your kids to behave, but then to have to give people parenting advice as a pediatrician is quite daunting. While I am never slow to tell others what I think (I am doing this blog, aren\’t I?), I sometimes wonder why I can be so confident in the exam room and yet so unsure of myself at home. Sometimes, however, the two work to help each other and I learn something at home that is especially useful for advice for my patients, or I figure something out while talking with patients that is especially applicable at home.
One of those "synergy moments" happened recently when I was discussing parenting with a parent of a toddler. "How do I get him to obey me?" the exasperated mother asked me. As I discussed this with her, I noted that she seemed to think that obedience of the child is the ultimate job of parenting.
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I have thought that too in the past (especially before I had kids), but it occurred to me that this is absolutely the wrong way to parent. The only kids I have ever seen that are "perfectly obedient" to their parents are the ones who are totally controlled by the parents. The only way to really control someone is through fear. Some children are so afraid to disobey, fearing either physical violence or emotional manipulation, that they fanatically follow their parents\’ commands. These children appear to be well-disciplined – they don\’t talk back, they stop doing things when asked, they speak only when spoken to. Yet is this really what we want as parents?
I have to say, I have learned much of this lesson through my wife, as I am far more prone to want to control other people (I am a doctor, remember). She seems to be content to "pick her battles" while I find myself frustrated at my inability to get obedience out of my children, not because they don\’t obey, but because they don\’t always obey. Early on in parenthood, I felt that any time a child disobeyed, you were letting them down by not teaching them obedience. Many hold to this "spare the rod and spoil the child" version of parenting. I now don\’t think this is the case.
Don\’t get me wrong, I don\’t feel that a home is a democracy. We are supposed to discipline our children. We don\’t sit down with a two year-old and reason out the benefits of not running into the street or not biting the cat. Discipline necessarily involves imposing unwanted circumstance on another person for their own benefit. It is the duty of the parent to do this. But instead of wanting to make children learn obedience, I see now that we really want to teach them to know the difference between good decisions and bad decisions. To learn this, children must feel safe enough to disobey their parents and not risk losing the love or protection of the parents. When they do disobey, only a parent that the child trusts will be able to really teach the lessons that are needed to become happy and productive adults.
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So, when my child disobeys, I have to ask whether confronting that behavior at that time will help my child learn, or if it will simply inflame their anger. This is especially appropriate for me because I have three teenagers at home. My kids are learning independence and are questioning what I say. "My way or the highway" is not a very effective message to send your teenager. I have found that letting certain things go (such as a sharp word directed at me) and then discussing it later is far more productive than always going toe-to-toe with them on every "you\’re an idiot" look I get from them.
Realizing this has made parenting much less stressful for me and has allowed me to give more productive advice to my patients.
So now what about that room-cleaning issue? Can I find a break-through on that one?
So now what about that room-cleaning issue?
Close the door. You can clean it up when they leave for college.
(Actually, they’ll clean it up as part of the process of packing for college.) Been there; done that. Yes, it really works. Do NOT “pick” that battle. It’s *so* not worth it.
So now what about that room-cleaning issue?
Close the door. You can clean it up when they leave for college.
(Actually, they’ll clean it up as part of the process of packing for college.) Been there; done that. Yes, it really works. Do NOT “pick” that battle. It’s *so* not worth it.
nice post….looking forward to read more from you
nice post….looking forward to read more from you
I have no children of my own, Dr Rob, but like Dino’s answer. Time goes quickly. Don’t spend it arguing.
Glad to see you around.
I have no children of my own, Dr Rob, but like Dino’s answer. Time goes quickly. Don’t spend it arguing.
Glad to see you around.
It’s great to see you posting again.
It’s great to see you posting again.
My mom’s answer to the room issue? She just had me close my door. It worked for both of us. She didn’t have to look at it and have her blood pressure shoot through the roof about it, and my stuff could be on the floor where it was nice and easy for me to find.
I think I may have mentioned it before, but my son is disabled. (He has cortical blindness, microcephaly and hemiplegia, if you’re wondering) and he has really taught me the most important Rule of Parenting: Pick your battles. When I tried to potty train him too early (because I’m stupid and thought that I could force him to do it through the sheer power of my wanting it to work) I pushed him back more than six months. I wailed about it to my pediatrician who said “Relax. He’s not going to go to high school in a diaper. There’s more important stuff to freak out about.” and I really took her advice to heart. There’s always something else to freak out about instead of issue X or problem Y.
Whenever I get nasty comments about my parenting technique from my Old World grandparents (from Mexico. They think that spanking is the answer for everything, and that my kids should have been potty trained by the time they were a year old.) I just sort of shrug and tell them that if they grow up to be kind and decent human beings, it won’t matter if they were potty trained at 1 or 4.
I am, however, dreading the teenage years. *shudder*
My mom’s answer to the room issue? She just had me close my door. It worked for both of us. She didn’t have to look at it and have her blood pressure shoot through the roof about it, and my stuff could be on the floor where it was nice and easy for me to find.
I think I may have mentioned it before, but my son is disabled. (He has cortical blindness, microcephaly and hemiplegia, if you’re wondering) and he has really taught me the most important Rule of Parenting: Pick your battles. When I tried to potty train him too early (because I’m stupid and thought that I could force him to do it through the sheer power of my wanting it to work) I pushed him back more than six months. I wailed about it to my pediatrician who said “Relax. He’s not going to go to high school in a diaper. There’s more important stuff to freak out about.” and I really took her advice to heart. There’s always something else to freak out about instead of issue X or problem Y.
Whenever I get nasty comments about my parenting technique from my Old World grandparents (from Mexico. They think that spanking is the answer for everything, and that my kids should have been potty trained by the time they were a year old.) I just sort of shrug and tell them that if they grow up to be kind and decent human beings, it won’t matter if they were potty trained at 1 or 4.
I am, however, dreading the teenage years. *shudder*
“The only kids I have ever seen that are “perfectly obedient” to their parents are the ones who are totally controlled by the parents. The only way to really control someone is through fear.”
Don’t forget mindtaking!
“The only kids I have ever seen that are “perfectly obedient” to their parents are the ones who are totally controlled by the parents. The only way to really control someone is through fear.”
Don’t forget mindtaking!
I’ve found that the primary need kids have is security. They need to be loved, need to feel that no matter what happens, as a parent you are always there.
They need physical closeness. Nothing made me happier when I was a child than to jump in my father’s lap and just have him hold me.
As far as training kids, simply be consistent, allowing them a bit more freedom as they age. And don’t expect them to be perfect. You weren’t perfect. I certainly wasn’t perfect. We all did things that our parents never knew about.
And be careful how you treat your kid’s feelings. At a young age, kids are very impressionable, will pick up on any criticism, no matter how minor. And what may seem meaningless to an adult may very well be meaningful to a child. No matter what, provide the confidence, the support that every child needs.
I’ve found that the primary need kids have is security. They need to be loved, need to feel that no matter what happens, as a parent you are always there.
They need physical closeness. Nothing made me happier when I was a child than to jump in my father’s lap and just have him hold me.
As far as training kids, simply be consistent, allowing them a bit more freedom as they age. And don’t expect them to be perfect. You weren’t perfect. I certainly wasn’t perfect. We all did things that our parents never knew about.
And be careful how you treat your kid’s feelings. At a young age, kids are very impressionable, will pick up on any criticism, no matter how minor. And what may seem meaningless to an adult may very well be meaningful to a child. No matter what, provide the confidence, the support that every child needs.
Welcome back for now, Dr. Rob!
I agree with Wolley to a point.
Grew up in a very loving family. Dad, Mom and 5 kids (one right after the other).
My parents were strict but loving, We were very obedient kids. We knew from an early age that our parents were in charge and what they said was law.
Yeah, we pushed it a bit as we grew into teenagehood and at that time the relationship changed from a ‘I’m the parent so I am right’ to ‘ you’re close to being an adult, what do you think is the right choice to make’.
Funny, but all my my sibs are now way stricter with their kids than my parents ever were with us. And it all seems to have worked out very well.
Welcome back for now, Dr. Rob!
I agree with Wolley to a point.
Grew up in a very loving family. Dad, Mom and 5 kids (one right after the other).
My parents were strict but loving, We were very obedient kids. We knew from an early age that our parents were in charge and what they said was law.
Yeah, we pushed it a bit as we grew into teenagehood and at that time the relationship changed from a ‘I’m the parent so I am right’ to ‘ you’re close to being an adult, what do you think is the right choice to make’.
Funny, but all my my sibs are now way stricter with their kids than my parents ever were with us. And it all seems to have worked out very well.
Agree with all of the comments. Parenting is not a sure thing. People who make rules that are too simple are likely to fall prey to the problems of their decisions. I think being flexible and teachable as a parent is extremely important.
Well…not real sure about the mindtaking thing…
Agree with all of the comments. Parenting is not a sure thing. People who make rules that are too simple are likely to fall prey to the problems of their decisions. I think being flexible and teachable as a parent is extremely important.
Well…not real sure about the mindtaking thing…
Wow. What a post! I have had a lot of the same internal arguments with myself, as a pediatrician and parent, just like you. I’ve slowly been coming to the same conclusions about discipline and obedience, just never articulated them as nicely as this.
I guess it’s important to remember how rebellious I was from time to time, and yet I think I turned out OK (very few people would view their child growing up to be a doctor as a failure of parenting).
Wow. What a post! I have had a lot of the same internal arguments with myself, as a pediatrician and parent, just like you. I’ve slowly been coming to the same conclusions about discipline and obedience, just never articulated them as nicely as this.
I guess it’s important to remember how rebellious I was from time to time, and yet I think I turned out OK (very few people would view their child growing up to be a doctor as a failure of parenting).
I agree.As for the room? Close the door.
In our house their room is their own space and if they want to live in a brothel then so be it. So long as I don’t have to look at it and so long as it doesn’t start leaking out into the rest of the house.
I agree.As for the room? Close the door.
In our house their room is their own space and if they want to live in a brothel then so be it. So long as I don’t have to look at it and so long as it doesn’t start leaking out into the rest of the house.
Dr. Rob did a great job of perspective-taking . . . which will be forced upon us, whether we want to question things or not, when we are parents of teens.
A perspective that I learned at that time from my teens was that they could not separate from me and go off on their own to lead independent lives, unless they rebelled against my home rules. They had to rebel. They had to get uncomfortable enough at home in order to leave home. They had to disapprove in order to leave.
Some left sooner, some later. Some left voluntarily, some I kicked out. Some came back and then left again and then came back again till they could stand on their own permanently.
And after insisting on picking up and maintaining some semblance of order at home, it is now me that enjoys being sloppy and picking up later–or tomorrow.
My kids now get after me to de-clutter and keep order! I love it! It has the flavor of sweet revenge.
Chris and Vic
Dr. Rob did a great job of perspective-taking . . . which will be forced upon us, whether we want to question things or not, when we are parents of teens.
A perspective that I learned at that time from my teens was that they could not separate from me and go off on their own to lead independent lives, unless they rebelled against my home rules. They had to rebel. They had to get uncomfortable enough at home in order to leave home. They had to disapprove in order to leave.
Some left sooner, some later. Some left voluntarily, some I kicked out. Some came back and then left again and then came back again till they could stand on their own permanently.
And after insisting on picking up and maintaining some semblance of order at home, it is now me that enjoys being sloppy and picking up later–or tomorrow.
My kids now get after me to de-clutter and keep order! I love it! It has the flavor of sweet revenge.
Chris and Vic
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I get irritated with the room thing too…but I know that having a personal space that is all theirs is important so I stay out of it. I just shut the door and grit my teeth. However – my MIL had a good rule that my husband said he appreciated. Their rooms could be a mess all year long – but one week after summer vacation began…it had to be thoroughly cleaned. So at least once a year it was CLEANED. After than MIL shut the door and gritted. It seems a good enough compromise for me; and my 16 yo appreciates it. Sometimes after I’ve had to go in there, I’ll casually mention “You know, your room’s pretty messy…you might want to clean it up.” Or “I’ll gladly do your laundry if you get it picked up from your floor.” Sometimes that gets a little cleaning action going on.
I get irritated with the room thing too…but I know that having a personal space that is all theirs is important so I stay out of it. I just shut the door and grit my teeth. However – my MIL had a good rule that my husband said he appreciated. Their rooms could be a mess all year long – but one week after summer vacation began…it had to be thoroughly cleaned. So at least once a year it was CLEANED. After than MIL shut the door and gritted. It seems a good enough compromise for me; and my 16 yo appreciates it. Sometimes after I’ve had to go in there, I’ll casually mention “You know, your room’s pretty messy…you might want to clean it up.” Or “I’ll gladly do your laundry if you get it picked up from your floor.” Sometimes that gets a little cleaning action going on.